Twilight SUXXXXXX!!!!

[MonsterGirlLuver]

This is where we can post all the reasons why we HATE and DESPISE and LOATHE and want to BURN Twilight! For example.

Reason #1: The vampires SPARKLE! They FUCKING SPARKLE! WTFFFFFFFUCK!?

Alright new rule! If your here to complain about us bashing Twilight, GTFO!

[Lunea]

Reason #2 they make Bella seem so weak, why can't she be a little tougher? It's like she always has to have a guy around her!

[DrNumaNuma]

Reason #3: The genre it uses does not match the material.

I can accept someone wanting to redefine material. For instance, God once reached from his lofty perch in the heavens at Mrs. Tolkien's unborn child and said "This one will have balls of fucking granite." The same happened to epic fantasy with Robert Jordan and H.P. Lovecraft. For vampires, there's plenty of material. Hellsing, Vampire Diaries (sucks), Anne Rice's universe, Alacard, Castlevania, Bram Stoker, or even Blade. So when Stephanie Meyer made Twilight and the vampires sparkled, I had no problem with it. Sparkling showed me something, both positive and negative. The positive aspect was that it helped reinforce that this was primarily a romance and not a sci-fi vampire novel. The bad part was it completely disreguarded vampires togehter as a storytelling device.

So that only left the romance part of the story. And it sucks. I admit, I liked Twilight not my first, second, but my third reading of it. Yes, Numa read the Twilight series (I refuse to call it a saga) three times. But after each time, I started to ask questions during each run-through, discovering more and more problems with the romance. It's not primarily that she wants to feel a cold, hard vampire wiener between her legs that was my problem; romance usually starts with physical attraction. It just never moved beyond that. I dare anyone to answer this simple question about Bella:

Name one thing she likes.

It's a simple question, but i don't have an answer to it. She's blank and emotionless; a cold-hearted bitch that disreguards everyone's feeling around her, even if they just want to understand her or take care of her; and doesn't care about ANYTHING then said wiener.

[MonsterGirlLuver]

......holy shit dude.

[DrNumaNuma]

I also challenge anyone to outrant me. :)

[Gelatinous]

As usual, the Doc is absolutely fucking brilliant. Makes me miss your reviews.


Name one thing she likes.
Edward. The while damn series was about that..

[DrNumaNuma]

Why thank you Gelatinous. In fact, I have four reviews drafted already, I just have to finish them.

And Edward doesn't count. One has to be able to feel emotions in order to like something.

[Bloodfang]

Reason #4 this edward or like i like to call him Mr. decidous tooth doesn´t look like a vampire.He looks more like a grey guy who slept to close to the socket plus he doesn´t want to bite when he has the best chances

[Lunea]

Reason #5 they make vampires seem like they are actually nice and care about humans. Not that they don't but you would think that the blood of a human is more tempting then not. So why doesn't Edward or one of his family members bite Bella as soon as they meet her?

[Drago]

It is a fictional piece of literature that has earned millions. How about you all stop bashing it and rememeber it's bloody fiction. So what if the vampires are not correct, who is to say what a vampire is really like, have you ever met one?
Twilight is presented as tripe but if you look at its sales then who gives a damn?

[MonsterGirlLuver]

Ah! Another reason. #6: Twilight is completely over hyped. People will complain to you if you don't think Twilight is great. Even if you have an "Its okay" outlook, people will get pissed at you.

[Gelatinous]

...
While it true that the novel is fiction, that doesn't mean we can't hate it. Or that you can't love it ;) I personally don't care for the series. But it's always fun to mess with twilight fans ^^

I remember a site where people posted many WTF moments that Twilight fan-girls have caused. I'll see if I can find it and post it for your pleasure haha.

[4leafclover]

Reason 7:.....Its just horrible, Vampires are suppose to burst in flames on sunlights and werewolves are suppose to...no wait, they ccan be both half man half wolf or just full wolf..i'll let it slide this once...

[MonsterGirlLuver]

Werewolves are supposed to change into viscious, man-eating beasts on a full moon...against their own will, and painfully.

[Lunea]

Reason 7:.....Its just horrible, Vampires are suppose to burst in flames on sunlights and werewolves are suppose to...no wait, they ccan be both half man half wolf or just full wolf..i'll let it slide this once...
Werewolfs aren't suppose to really care about girl, other then thinking them as their next food item..

[DrNumaNuma]

It is a fictional piece of literature that has earned millions. How about you all stop bashing it and rememeber it's bloody fiction. So what if the vampires are not correct, who is to say what a vampire is really like, have you ever met one?
Twilight is presented as tripe but if you look at its sales then who gives a damn?

I don't give a rat's ass if it takes the entire vampire mythos and shoves it up its own ass. In real world statistics, there are only two types of vampires. Vampire bats are one of them. There are animals, bats, flees, ticks, insects, blahblahblah that drink the blood of others as a form of sustenance. The other is a form of pathology. those with porphyria, rabies, or certain contagions exhibited symptoms mimicking vampirism, including desire for blood. The point is that this IS a form of fiction based on fictional rules, not the real ones. As we know it, VAMPIRES DO NOT EXIST!!!!!

This is a fiction universe. And it's crap. Plain and simple. I stated before that the sparkling is using psychology as a way of sexualizing vampires. Fair enough. They've trained themselves over decades to resist human blood because they think it's barbaric. Fair enough. Humans aren't allowed to know the secret of vampires because it will cause alarm in the populous, so the vampire council are the bad guys because the kill those who want to expose the secret. fair enough. Twilight has all the basics ready for a story.

It still sucks though.

Let's start with the easiest, shall we? The vampire council, the Voltouri, are a millennias old coven of vampire that enforce the laws of vampires. It's their job to enforce the rules and protect secrets. As a whole, there is nothing overtly wrong with them as a story telling device. But it all comes crashing down to the leader, Aro, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Aro wanted bella killed because she only has one facial express--, err, she knows the secret of vampires. So they make a deal that she has to be turned into a vampire to protect the secret of killed. Okay, he's tough, but he's fair. One life or thousands if people find out the secret. The problem is that Aro does a COMPLETE heel-turn in the third book. He goes from a man who just wants to keep the peace to a greedy schoolyard duchebag bully. Vampires tend to acquire a superpower based on traits they had as a human. Aro is somehwat of a collector of vampire powers, so he waits until the Cullens are attacked, risking their death, just so he can have their powers. Aro is an idiot like that. He then, in the fourth book, gathers his forces to do a full assault, kill those who don't want to join him, then gather those who do. He backs off because he doesn't want to look bad in front of the crowd he brought, he he was completely willing to kill just moments before.

I can take all of that though. I can take the horribly good movies, the predictable three arc plot structure, and the forgettable secondary characters as long as the books core, the romance, was good enough to make up for it. It's not. It's crap. It's rifftrax crap, but it's still crap nonetheless.

Bella is blank. She was originally draw up to be plain, but somehow attracts the attention of the school's pretty boy. The romance stops right there. Right there. I can point to the exact moment it stops. It's in the cafeteria in Forks High, when Bells meets Edward for the first time. Traditional romances work because love is not such a fickle thing in entertainment. You can have the bitter rivals who become lovers, lover at first site, Romeo and Juliet, Harlequin Romance, the more extreme forced submission, or even the 'I love you but I still have to hunt for you.' While twilight shared traits from Romeo and Juliet, Harlequin, and forced submission, it only has the bare essentials. The only in-depth talk they ever had was in the first book when Bella talks about her mom and her new husband, along with a little about life in Arizona and some things that interest her. It's pure carnal attraction, nothing more. Edward wants her blood, a sexual metaphor for finding her attractive and a form of love-at-first site, and Bella just has a crush on a schoolboy. That's not enough in literature and it sure as hell isn't enough in real life.

Bella had only one chat with Edward, but became his absolute love-slave after that. Their relationship never deepens emotionally, even when there are neon signs imported from Las Vegas. The second book (My favorite because for more than half the book, EDWARD'S NOT THERE)) had Edward leave Bella because his life was too dangerous for her. God damn it Meyer, you can't have it both ways. Edward's an idiot. He knew perfectly well the whole time what the risks were, and now he leaves out of the blue. What's worse, when he comes back, she's happy. Here's a man that left her for more than four months, and she doesn't care as long as she has him back. Love doesn't work like that I'm afraid. If it were anything resembling love, Bella would have learned to distance herself from Bella from that moment forward, Even if he came back. When local shirt model, Jacob, comes by, he genuinely wants to help her and take care of her. She rejects him partially, saying that she can't be fixed, but still hangs out with him, taunting him, deliberately or not, with her vag. Either you're waiting for Edward, or pick the stud damn it. From this moment onward, Bella became a horrible bitch. Just say that you're still holding out for Edward to come back you dumb whore, just so the gullible guy will know he doesn't have a chance with you. When Edward returns, absolutely everything returns to the way it was. She doesn't care she broke not one, but two hearts (Some forgettable secondary character wanted to help her too, but she ignored his advance for four months.), all she cares about is her dear Edward and I must ask, why? Why does she? Where is the emotional attachment outside of shear carnal attraction?

To rap up the rant, Twilight's not good in the intended way. If something decides to redefine a genre, or does so without mush money, that does not give it the excuse to suck. It can be a great source fro rifftrax materiel, but that's it. This could have been a story about a girl who chooses lust over love and gets damned for eternity because of it or joins the vampires because she feels she belong with them rather than humans, but instead we get a half-assed, predictably four three-arced books full of 'I love you's and broken dreams.

[Drago]

I've only watched the first one Numa so I have no idea what you are saying.

[Azrael]

The problem there Numa is that you are applying your own beliefs to something, you say 'love doesn't work like that' actually, yes it does, it works completely like that. It is clearly an incredibly popular series, many people have found a great many things to enjoy in them.

http://www.theonion.com/video/alqaeda-calls-off-attack-on-nations-capitol-to-spa,17688/

[Fuzz]

Regardless if it sucked or not, and in my opinion it did, there is so many AWESOME things you could do with the bases. For example, set the whole vampires and werewolves thing in the world of Oblivion with the guilds and all. Not only would you have two main guilds going at it, but multiple others to cause innumerable complications.

[MonsterGirlLuver]

Amazing what chaos Twilight has brought about and how much chaos it has caused on this website. *sobs* I am so proud of myself.

[DrNumaNuma]

The problem there Numa is that you are applying your own beliefs to something, you say 'love doesn't work like that' actually, yes it does, it works completely like that. It is clearly an incredibly popular series, many people have found a great many things to enjoy in them.

http://www.theonion.com/video/alqaeda-calls-off-attack-on-nations-capitol-to-spa,17688/

I'm not going by my own beliefs, I'm going by Webster here.

[VonCrown]

Praise be to Doc N., for he speaks the truth.

However, while I understand the concept that change to literary convention can be a good thing, I don't think you need to defend it when it so outright fails. Tolkein's work did well because what he did works, it has internal consistency. Sparkly vampires do not have internal consistency in a setting mostly patterned after real life.

I need to step back here for a moment. Generally speaking, sunlight is supposed to cause some form of 'penalty' for vampires, whatever that may be. The point is that they avoid sunlight for some reason or another. But I can't logically follow sparkling as a sufficient penalty on it's own.

The worst I can think of is that they're afraid if they go in sunlight and sparkle, people will know that they're vampires, but news flash... I don't think they would. I mean, absolute worst case scenario, if this modern world almost identical to our does differ in it's vampire mythology enough that anyone would actually connect sparkles = vampire, it would not be that difficult for a large, vaguely organized vampire populace (as they have) to merely claim it's some genetic weirdness, and that the myths came from discrimination against those who have the condition. Far more likely, though, if someone saw one sparkle, they wouldn't even connect it with being a vampire, so while a bit awkward, it would be the simplest thing in the world to cover up nonetheless.

It's not that I take issue with vampires being different, or surviving in sunlight (In my own setting it's possible, for sufficiently powerful vampires, though they'd still much rather avoid it), it's that they tried to do vampires differently, and failed so miserably at it.

[Marcus McCloud]

I don't give a rat's ass if it takes the entire vampire mythos and shoves it up its own ass. In real world statistics, there are only two types of vampires. Vampire bats are one of them. There are animals, bats, flees, ticks, insects, blahblahblah that drink the blood of others as a form of sustenance. The other is a form of pathology. those with porphyria, rabies, or certain contagions exhibited symptoms mimicking vampirism, including desire for blood. The point is that this IS a form of fiction based on fictional rules, not the real ones. As we know it, VAMPIRES DO NOT EXIST!!!!!

This is a fiction universe. And it's crap. Plain and simple. I stated before that the sparkling is using psychology as a way of sexualizing vampires. Fair enough. They've trained themselves over decades to resist human blood because they think it's barbaric. Fair enough. Humans aren't allowed to know the secret of vampires because it will cause alarm in the populous, so the vampire council are the bad guys because the kill those who want to expose the secret. fair enough. Twilight has all the basics ready for a story.

It still sucks though.

Let's start with the easiest, shall we? The vampire council, the Voltouri, are a millennias old coven of vampire that enforce the laws of vampires. It's their job to enforce the rules and protect secrets. As a whole, there is nothing overtly wrong with them as a story telling device. But it all comes crashing down to the leader, Aro, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Aro wanted bella killed because she only has one facial express--, err, she knows the secret of vampires. So they make a deal that she has to be turned into a vampire to protect the secret of killed. Okay, he's tough, but he's fair. One life or thousands if people find out the secret. The problem is that Aro does a COMPLETE heel-turn in the third book. He goes from a man who just wants to keep the peace to a greedy schoolyard duchebag bully. Vampires tend to acquire a superpower based on traits they had as a human. Aro is somehwat of a collector of vampire powers, so he waits until the Cullens are attacked, risking their death, just so he can have their powers. Aro is an idiot like that. He then, in the fourth book, gathers his forces to do a full assault, kill those who don't want to join him, then gather those who do. He backs off because he doesn't want to look bad in front of the crowd he brought, he he was completely willing to kill just moments before.

I can take all of that though. I can take the horribly good movies, the predictable three arc plot structure, and the forgettable secondary characters as long as the books core, the romance, was good enough to make up for it. It's not. It's crap. It's rifftrax crap, but it's still crap nonetheless.

Bella is blank. She was originally draw up to be plain, but somehow attracts the attention of the school's pretty boy. The romance stops right there. Right there. I can point to the exact moment it stops. It's in the cafeteria in Forks High, when Bells meets Edward for the first time. Traditional romances work because love is not such a fickle thing in entertainment. You can have the bitter rivals who become lovers, lover at first site, Romeo and Juliet, Harlequin Romance, the more extreme forced submission, or even the 'I love you but I still have to hunt for you.' While twilight shared traits from Romeo and Juliet, Harlequin, and forced submission, it only has the bare essentials. The only in-depth talk they ever had was in the first book when Bella talks about her mom and her new husband, along with a little about life in Arizona and some things that interest her. It's pure carnal attraction, nothing more. Edward wants her blood, a sexual metaphor for finding her attractive and a form of love-at-first site, and Bella just has a crush on a schoolboy. That's not enough in literature and it sure as hell isn't enough in real life.

Bella had only one chat with Edward, but became his absolute love-slave after that. Their relationship never deepens emotionally, even when there are neon signs imported from Las Vegas. The second book (My favorite because for more than half the book, EDWARD'S NOT THERE)) had Edward leave Bella because his life was too dangerous for her. God damn it Meyer, you can't have it both ways. Edward's an idiot. He knew perfectly well the whole time what the risks were, and now he leaves out of the blue. What's worse, when he comes back, she's happy. Here's a man that left her for more than four months, and she doesn't care as long as she has him back. Love doesn't work like that I'm afraid. If it were anything resembling love, Bella would have learned to distance herself from Bella from that moment forward, Even if he came back. When local shirt model, Jacob, comes by, he genuinely wants to help her and take care of her. She rejects him partially, saying that she can't be fixed, but still hangs out with him, taunting him, deliberately or not, with her vag. Either you're waiting for Edward, or pick the stud damn it. From this moment onward, Bella became a horrible bitch. Just say that you're still holding out for Edward to come back you dumb whore, just so the gullible guy will know he doesn't have a chance with you. When Edward returns, absolutely everything returns to the way it was. She doesn't care she broke not one, but two hearts (Some forgettable secondary character wanted to help her too, but she ignored his advance for four months.), all she cares about is her dear Edward and I must ask, why? Why does she? Where is the emotional attachment outside of shear carnal attraction?

To rap up the rant, Twilight's not good in the intended way. If something decides to redefine a genre, or does so without mush money, that does not give it the excuse to suck. It can be a great source fro rifftrax materiel, but that's it. This could have been a story about a girl who chooses lust over love and gets damned for eternity because of it or joins the vampires because she feels she belong with them rather than humans, but instead we get a half-assed, predictably four three-arced books full of 'I love you's and broken dreams.

.... You are hereby given the rant trophy. Can I have your autograph?

[DrNumaNuma]

LOl, you may have one.

[Azrael]

Sparkly vampires do not have internal consistency in a setting mostly patterned after real life.

That isn't true though, they do have internal consistency. Mostly patterned after real life, yes it is, vampires are not real, and there are hundreds of variations in vampire myth, many of which have no reference whatsoever to sunlight. Sunlight hurting vampires is only a very narrow bram stoker-esque view of the entire mythos. You cannot say it is fine to take a new approach to something unless you contradict popular belief, nothing new would ever be written. The point about not wanting to sparkle in front of people has nothing to do with being identified as a vampire, it is about not drawing attention. No, people wouldn't assume vampire, but they would know there was something different and investigate, that is unwanted attention.

[DrNumaNuma]

Azrael nails it right on the head.

In fact, traditional vampire lore doesn't make much sense either, when you look at it. Everyone knows that 'traditioinal' vampires don't have a reflection. Why? The source is very old. Mirror's were once considered to show not your physical reflection, but the reflection of the soul. Vampires never had reflections because vampires don't have one, as lore states.

[Azrael]

Vampirism is one of the most common myths in the world, second only to religion, nearly every culture in every time period has some form of vampire myth. I collect non fiction works about the origins and range of myths.

[DrNumaNuma]

Ohhh, got any recomendations?

[Gelatinous]

...
Wall of text. Daaaaaaaamn.


http://www.theonion.com/video/alqaeda-calls-off-attack-on-nations-capitol-to-spa,17688/
Lol'd.

Fantastic little debate we have going, just wanted to say that. I would hop in but I haven't read the Twilight series or know anything about Vampires/Werewolves. I'm learning though thanks to this thread heh.

[DrNumaNuma]

I've told very little about what actually goes on in Twilight. You might like it. I don't as much as I used to, but I still read them on occasion.

[VonCrown]

I'm not saying the sparkling is nothing, exactly, I just think it would be easy enough to cover up, and thus a weak deterrent. A deterrent might not be a necessary trait, but I feel like if you're to make the deterrent so minimal as that, you'd be better served merely not having a deterrent at all. It just feels like it really weakens the work overall.

And personally, I love tracking down obscure and weird vampire myths. My favorite is that vampires are naturally invisible, and can only been seen by twin brother and sisters born on a Saturday (Maybe it was Sunday? Some specific day of the week anyways) who wear their undergarments over their clothes. Props to whatever con artist duo/awesome prankster thought that one up. ('Cause, really, what other explanation could that have? xD)

[DrNumaNuma]

I saw Breaking Dawn.

...

...

...

I suppose I should explain myself.

I used to like Twilight way back when. The first time I heard about it was when an old friend of mine began to write fanfiction and started writing some about Twilight. I had no idea what it was, but I always liked vampires, even though horror movies in general scared the crap out of me because my brother made me watch Warlock: Armageddon when I was 6 (bastard). But I digress. I eventually checked out the first one from the library and liked it. I kept checking out the coming sequels until I actually bought the fourth one, Breaking Dawn. I liked that one the most behind the second one, New Moon. But then something happened.

I do not know what happened, only that it did happen. I stopped liking Twilight, but I had no idea why. I was disappointed really. Despite its flaws, I saw genuine quality to it. I was sad, sort of like a person who realized they have used their powers for evil. I didn’t want to dislike it. I have seen a larger correlation than just myself, however. General feelings about Twilight died down about 5 years after it came out, roughly the time the first readers graduated high school. For me, it correlated with the time I first met the Nightmare Man. He’s gloating in the corner right now.

I suppose I should actually try to review this though. Very well. Prepare for heavy spoilers.

Isabella Swan(Kristen Stewart) is finally going to tie the knot with Edward(Guy I forget because I didn’t have Internet when I wrote this. Robert something?).

http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/images/hidden07/hidden07.jpg

As the wedding concludes and the reception dies down, Edward takes Bella on their honeymoon: an island off the coast of Rio de Janero. But something’s been on Bella’s mind. You see, Edward agreed to make her a vampire himself, but only if she agreed to the wedding. But she thinks that she won’t feel the same physically for Edward when she turns, so she wants to have sex with him while she is still human. They do, but come a week or two later, Bella realizes that she is pregnant with Edward’s child. It is not a normal one either, as it’s increased gestation period soon wreaks havoc on Bella’s body. It is a race against time to find a way to keep Bella alive, but she may have other plans.

Good stuff first. The wedding is beautiful. Not only in aesthetic design, but cinematically. There was clearly some talent behind the camera here. And surprisingly, the wedding and reception look genuine. People are laughing and smiling, just having a fun time with each other. Even something as simple as smiling is a rarity among the cast, so it is good to see them enjoying themselves.

Aaaaaaand that’s about it. Now for the bad. This movie is way too goddamn long. There are three things of importance:
1. Bella gets married.
2. Bells gets pregnant.
3. Bella becomes a vamp. Because this is shoehorned in the last 10 seconds, I might replace this one with the child is born.
This movie’s is padded to shit with fluff that should have been chucked from the movie. It should have been even easier because a lot of the book is padded as well.

Everyone is goddamn useless. There are people running to accomplish things, but nothing actually gets done. It’s the illusion of work that hides the fact of how empty these characters are, how devoid of succor they are for the movie as a whole. The only exceptions to this are those who are unceremoniously shoved to the side. Charlie, Bella’s dad, gives the best performance of the movie, yet is in for maybe 5 minutes. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) does a great job as well, but whatever likability and pathos he may have had was thoroughly crushed due to Eclipse.

[DrNumaNuma]

The music is just sad. It’s a completely one note and simplistic when it does not upgrade itself to teen pop. Take a breath and think about that. UPGRADES to teen pop. It was so dull without any creative flare that I cannot remember any of it whatsoever. Jesus, I remember the music from the Sing-a-Long Singing Tommy they released over a decade ago.

The plot is stupid. This is only accentuated due to the movie not having a third arc. What fresh hell doesn’t have a third arc? This is basic cinema teachings here. I’m not even in film school and yet I know that. You see, her child is slowly killing her from the inside, yet Bella does not want anyone to hurt it even if it costs her her life. Forgiving the fact that she ignores everyone’s advice that she is going to die if she doesn’t.

What confounds me most about Bella Swan is the extent to her stubbornness. I suppose that may not be an adequate word; denial is more appropriate. I am going to do to a very dark place here, so bear with me. The child growing in Bella’s womb is slowly sucking the life out of her. It’s not malicious intent; the fetus (baby, for you prudes out there) is just doing what is in its nature to survive. This causes Bella to lose huge amounts of weight, and looking about 80 pounds in the movie (whoever did the makeup in the movie should get an award). The fetus is becoming strong enough that the intermittent kicking of a regular unborn child is now strong enough to crack bones. But Bella is going to such extreme lengths to protect her unborn child they border on psychosis and self-injury. ((Note: Here’s where I get a little dark, but I honestly do not mean to tread on the hotly debated topic of abortion and freedom of choice. This is solely my opinion in terms of the movie and the content supporting it.)) Think about this in the context of the Twilight universe:

1. Humans and vampires do not interbreed, due to humans not surviving the heat of passion involved in sex.
2. If they do, the human involved is usually killed in the lovemaking or to sate the vampire’s bloodlust or sadism.
3. Vampire children (as in human children turned into vampires) are taboo due to the children doomed to forever have the emotional state of a child. Their unpredictability was the grounds for the Volturi to issue the decree that their creation is punishable by death.

Bella’s knowledge of sex involves high school sex-ed and no more. Hell, it would have been funny, and more believable, if she wrote yaoi fanfiction, had some type of sex fetish, or quietly masturbated to thoughts of Jacob Black. Her drive to bear her child is baffling. I do not doubt the effects of a mother’s instinct to protect her young, I only doubt Bella’s string of logic. This child is something no vampire has ever seen the likes of. It scares them. When the odds of you not surviving a pregnancy are not only high, but highly probable (as in top 5 percentile), have an abortion. Bella wines and moans that she believes the fetus is not evil. The problem is, so does everyone else. We know it isn’t; it’s just doing what comes natural, like suckling a teat or setting hobos on fire. She disregards input from her friends and family for this mad gambit, demolishing the trust and the very foundation of marriage Stephanie Meyer set an entire book preparing. This is not marriage, nor is this a way to show your loved ones your heartfelt feelings. It’s the behavior of a sociopath that is manipulating other people’s emotions for her own gain. Just because the child is born alive and okay does not absolve her of the sins she committed against her family. Despite the director not giving Edward much direction in this movie, you can tell he was devastated at the thought of Bella dying (I really can’t imagine why). If my squeeze pulled shit like this, it’s grounds for me moving out for a couple months if I decide to stay with her at all. How is it possible for Edward to like this girl?

Now for Jacob Black. Why is he in this movie? Although he is the cooler and more respectable of Bella’s two love interests, there should be no reason he should be still after Bella. The dialog tries to say that he has given up Bella, but a deeper read between the lines tells otherwise. I got no problem with him secretly loving Bella from the sides, but the entire 3rd movie was, aside from nothing important, him trying to court Bella. Edward proposed. She accepted. End of story.

In Breaking Dawn, there is a subplot involving the wolf tribe wants to kill the Cullen’s because the vampire daywalker spawning in Bella’s womb is an abomination that will likely grow up and conquer the world (I made that last part up. Sorry.), laying even more blood on Bella’s hands. Edward, not being able to kill the fetus, thus killing Bella, breaks off from the pack to join the Cullen’s. This doesn’t really amount to anything until the last 5 minutes of the movie where the pack comes to kill everyone. They are stopped by some bullshit werewolf imprinting rule that is so stupid that I really don’t feel like talking about it.

Speaking of imprinting, I wish everyone would stfu about Jacob imprinting on Renesme. If there is one thing the flamers and tolls like to exaggerate, it’s this. You see, a werewolf can imprint on a person, becoming completely devoted to said person. In Jacob’s case, he imprinted on Renesme. It was established well before this fact came to light that imprinting does not necessarily result in love, just devotion. Love can come out of it, of course, but the object of said devotion must instigate the romance, which Renesme is too young and immature to understand.

I said that to say this: this ending is bullshit. In two ways, actually. Breaking Dawn was set up so that all the heroes are rewarded and the villains are punished. Bella and Edward are married, Jacob imprinted so he would stop chasing after Bella, Charlie realized he had a harpy for a daughter and gave her up, and Alice realized her newfound love of girls and scissored Bella. I may have made some of those up. It’s basic movie formula to reward/punish, but there is one fatal flaw of Breaking Dawn that prevents it from being any good: it doesn’t work for it. Everything is tied up so neatly, but there was no build up to such boons. Everyone’s victory seems hollow and void of tribulation. When the Voturi come in the last half of the book (Or part two of the movies), they mistakenly believe that Renesme is a vampire child from my point from above. But the pretense of destroying the Cullen’s because they created a vampire child is a sham. The way this is resolved is in such a way that is so titanically full of crap that I had to reread the book to see if I missed anything. It’s okay to have a simplistic, basic story with few movable parts to it. No problem at all. But imagine Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings if the Ring took no toll on Frodo at all? What would Dark Knight be if the Joker did not make Batman question his goals and motives? Where would Connor McLeod in Highlander be if he didn’t have to suffer before fighting the Kurgan? As much as we don’t want to believe it, there must be toil for something to have inherited value.

None of Bella’s accomplishments or achievements required the most remote of sacrifices on her part. This fairy tale of true love that can never die is undermined by the fact Bella is supposed to be your everyday girl. We have to suffer. We have to pay taxes, go to school, join protests, go outside, falcon punch a Walmart employee in the dick, manage finances, question our sexuality, and keep on living. My only real grudge against the series is that it doesn’t deserve anything. It doesn’t deserve its fame, critical acclaim, or happily ever after. We are not like them. We are the sum of our parts. Our friends and family are limbs, our happiness is what we look forward to and our pain is the forge in which it is crafted. What we look back on are memories, and what we look up to are dreams.

[MonsterGirlLuver]

Once again, Doc gets the annual Rant Trophy. Congratulations.

[D136]

Holy mother of god.when one comment isnt enough. doc has to come back with more reasons for me to not want to watch any of this with my gf. well I guess ill just have to sneak off to watch the inbetweeners... again

[TheWatcher]

I went through all of doc's rants and I agree with him, I don't care for spoilers because twilight pisses me off. I don't have any good excuse other than:
1. Vampires don't sparkle, THEY BURST INTO FLAMES LIKE AN ALCOHOL COVERED BRIQUETTE WITH FANGS THAT'S BEEN HIT WITH NAPALM!!! *cough*
2. That vampire dude (Edward I think?) just looks like a complete fag. AND HE SPARKLES!!! *rage*
3. And I think that werewolves should turn into some type of wolf-humanish creature. (best design is in skyrim, lots of hair, tail, CLAWS, FANGS, long snout and of course ears.)
4. I'd rather die than watch that stupid movie, I just want to bash it because they "make fun" of what I've grown on vampires to be. Avoiding light, blood to live and induce fear.
5. FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUSPARKLES!!! *whips out the nuclear bombs and napalm*

[TheWatcher]

and well done doc!! you made me hate twilight EVEN MORE!!! that's freakin awesome! I hated twilight in the first place! *thumbs up*

[MonsterGirlLuver]

Never thought a Toucan could have so much rage. O.O

However, I am an owl now. OvO Owls are chill......sorta.

[FluffyFox1213]

I like owls... When my mother got shot by a hunter and I was left by a fence, this nice owl helped me find a new home... And shortly afterwards I met my best friend at the neighboring farm... *sigh* Good times.

[DrNumaNuma]

I have only one more to go and my cycle of lame will be complete.

[TheWatcher]

one more? what do you mean doc?

[DrNumaNuma]

Breaking Dawn part 2 hasn't come out yet.

[TheWatcher]

oh. okay then, hope you give it another bad review. XD

[DrNumaNuma]

I will give a review as objectively as I can. As I stated before, I really liked the first 20 minutes.